Let’s throw it out there. When it comes to my academic studies, I am a perfectionist. When I complete an assignment, I want it to be perfect. No errors. No revisions. Just simple perfection. I don’t think I’m asking too much of anyone…except myself. And herein lies the problem.
Perfection is defined as: to make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible. Other adjectives include flawless, faultless, blah, blah, blah…you get the point.
As I press on to write (and finish) my proposal, I find myself hindered by this unattainable standard. And honestly, there is no room for perfection in a doctoral program. You write, revise, write, revise, write, revise, and oh, you write and revise. There is no perfect sentence, perfect quote, or perfect paragraph. For your chairperson or advisor is right there to tell you how imperfect it is. This doesn’t mean you are a horrible writer. It just means whatever you wrote doesn’t align with your overall research project and it needs to be removed or revised. All while remembering that this is “your” project, not theirs.
And yet, I aim for perfection…still. A target I never seem to hit. An aim that produces slow progress and unwelcomed procrastination.
When did fear creep into this process?
- The fear of not writing the perfect sentence…
- The fear of not finding the perfect source…
- The fear of taking too long…
- The fear of not finishing…
Fear, fear fear. When did I allow it to birth these overwhelming feelings that cause me to second guess every word that is typed?
Before I left work last night (actually two days ago), I was reminded of Isaiah 43. Twice (vs. 1 & 5), we are told two powerful words, “Fear Not”. Verse one states, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you” and verse five states, “Fear not, for I am with you”.
Fear not, you are mine. Fear not, I am yours.
So much power in these words. So much identity. A needed reminder that although waves of overwhelming doubt may rise, God is with me. A reminder that although I may fail, He does not. A gentle reminder that my identity as His daughter is not contingent on what I can or cannot produce.
With this in mind, I will continue to write. I will continue to research. I will continue. I may become frustrated. I may get irritated every now and then. But when those moments come, I will remember God’s gentle reminder…
Fear not.
-Marva
In The Secret Devotions 